Both Things Can Be True: Part 1
Note: This post will be addressing the topic of suicidal thoughts. As someone who has struggled with them personally, I wrote this article to provide hope and not to worsen any thoughts. If you are worried this may be an issue for you, please skip this post.
I had once been told the idea of “Two things can be true.” This therapist had me put out both of my hands as if I was holding something in each. We visualized how I can hold one thing in each hand. Both can be true at the same time. Not every contradictory sounding pair ceases to be reality when held at the same time.
I will agree there are some things that cannot be true at the same time like the light is either on or off. There may exist an in between there for when the light is dimmed, but the light cannot be fully on and fully off at the same time. But, I am finding quite a few of these apparent contradictions can actually both be true.
A common example given for this concept is confidence and insecurity. They sound like they can not exist in truth together; however, I am sure you have at some point felt confident in many aspects of a task but yet a tinge of insecurity. They can coexist in our reality despite apparent opposition.
I love the imagery of two hands. When I held out my hands, I could envision holding both ideas. They feel heavy but I felt no push and pull. They stayed put side by side in my hands. I was able to take a step back from my thoughts and observe. I was able to withhold some judgement I had towards myself for feeling both.
Below I am going to explore five pairs each held in a set of hands. (Part two will be linked at the bottom of the page.) If a pair feels resonant for you, I encourage you to hold out your hands and envision holding the two side by side. Just observe how it feels to hold them both. Let it sink in that there needs be no conflict between the two. There needs be no shame towards yourself for feeling both as this is a part of our human experience. Maybe take a deep breath and rest in the moment. I hope you feel a measure of relief and ease in this acknowledgement. Sending this with love.
Fear of Judgement and Craving Acceptance
I chose a challenging pair to get started with. Honestly my brain is drawing a blank as this is a pair that I am currently finding quite challenging. I think the argument against their coexistence lies in the evidence of past hurt. If we are fearing judgement from someone, there is likely a reason for this. Maybe they have hurt us in the past or someone similar to them has. If we have evidence of past hurt, then fear of judgement makes sense and continuing to crave their acceptance does not.
But pause for a second. What role does this person play in your life? While it may not be healthy to crave acceptance from someone who has hurt us, does it make sense? If that person is a family member, wouldn’t our human yearning be for acceptance from them? If this person is a friend, wouldn’t we want their acceptance as this is part of what we seek from friends? If this person is a romantic partner, wouldn’t we want their acceptance as this is what you hope to receive from a healthy partnership?
So, yes they can coexist. I am definitely not saying that it is healthy to continue to seek acceptance from someone with a track record of hurting you. That would be a great topic to discuss in therapy. I am however suggesting that it makes sense you could be feeling both, holding both.
Noticing Growth and Noticing Stuck Patterns
I have been so discouraged by this pair recently. In my mind, the road to “healthiness” is a straight path paved smoothly that I can sail down in a speedy car. The reality I am finding is a dirt road full of big rocks. It isn’t even flat enough to ride a bike over, so I am stuck walking. Occasionally the road is blocked by a fallen tree. I walk off of the path and try to find a way forward, but sometimes I feel like I have traveled backwards instead.
If you were disillusioned as I was, I am here with some unfortunate news. Growth is not a straight climb upwards. It is often more like a “loopty loop.”
I had a therapist teach me this concept when I was concerned that I was going backwards in progress. This therapist drew a line on the white board from the bottom left corner to the top right corner saying growth does not look like this. They said it often looks more like this (as they drew the same line again but with a variety of loopty loops on it).
I learned that just because I feel like I am going backwards does not erase all my progress up until now. I still have all my skills and knowledge. Noticing the stuck patterns or “backward movement” shows me where I need to put more attention. Maybe I know a skill that would work in that situation, but I need to practice it more out of the intense moments so I am ready to do it when I need to. Maybe I do not know what I need to do with the stuck patterns, but I know a therapist I can talk to about this (or a close trusted friend).
Excitement and Anxiety
I had a friend explain this to me one time, and it really clicked for me. If you think about the list of symptoms you feel when you are anxious versus when you are excited, they are pretty similar. My list would include: restlessness, butterflies in my stomach, sweaty hands, and shorter breathing. Really, the only difference I have noticed is the pattern of thoughts that accompany them. My friend told me that our minds can be confused by our body signals and decide we are anxious when we may be excited.
I did some further research to back this up. In an article by the Buckeye Recovery Network they explain it as, “The main difference between anxiety and excitement is how the brain interprets physical sensations. Anxiety is associated with fear or perceived threat, while excitement is tied to anticipation and positive expectation.” This lines up perfectly with what my friend was saying. Now I wanted to know if our bodies can be confused. The article goes on to explain, “Emotional responses are not always as clear-cut as they seem. Sometimes the body reacts first, and the mind works afterward to make sense of what is happening.” That makes sense. If my body signals are so similar for both, I am sure my mind is bound to confuse them every now and again.
But at the base of it all, my real question was, “Is it normal to feel both at the same time?” In response the article says, “Yes, it is completely normal to feel anxious and excited at the same time, as these emotions are closely connected in the brain and often occur during meaningful or high-pressure experiences.” Phew. I was getting a little worried that I may be the only one who feels both and gets confused.
For further information on holding both of these and how to switch your mindset, you can find the source article from Buckeye Recovery Network here: https://buckeyerecoverynetwork.com/anxiety-vs-excitement-symptoms-difference/
Finding Purpose and Feeling Lost
I thought finding a purpose was like finding the perfect “path” to take in my life. Once I found the path, I got to skip down that wonderful sun colored brick road while linking arms with my besties. That has unfortunately not been my reality thus far. I thought once I found purpose, I would lose my doubt. Instead, as I find my purpose, I am still finding a lot of doubt. So is something wrong with me?
I don’t think so. Just like, as a child, I thought adults had it all together. I am finding out that adulthood is more like a sprinkle of lightbulb moments strung together with a mess of tangled cords called self-doubt. I am pretty sure I’m not the only one who feels this way. (Kudos to anyone who does not feel this way. Please be so grateful.)
So, I am learning the lesson that both can be true. With new purpose in my left hand and lots of lostness and doubt in my right, I am walking forward anyway. Please join me.
Enjoying Periods of Slowness and Feeling the Need to Be Doing “More”
I find it so difficult to enjoy slowing down. About a year ago, I would tell people what was going on in my life (not much except therapy), and their main response was one reminding me that I should be enjoying the slow moments (or telling me how jealous they were that I had slow moments). I was a bit confused.
Yeah, I could see how someone could view having time away from work as a vacation, but I was not in vaycay mode at all. I was in pure survival mode. My most important task was making it till the next day or next therapy session. I felt like my life was falling apart. Any downtime I had, I spent worrying that I was not doing “enough.”
Fast forward to this year, I am finding myself in another slow period. I am not quite as panicked as last year, but I am definitely not in vaycay mode, yet. So, I am working on holding these two together. In some moments, I am intentionally zoning in to the present to allow some rest. Like this morning, I made a hot cup of tea and sat holding it so I could feel the warm mug against my hands. I was able to rest in that moment. I will take the victory with that and recognize that the feeling of needing to do “more” is still present in the background. That feeling of needing to “more” is something that I will chip away with time and intentionality. For now, I will take the intentional pauses where I can (or when I remember to) and hold them both the rest of the time.
Leave a Reply