The Mosh Pit of Grief – An Allegory

So in therapy the other day… we discussed the topic of grief. We covered the “Stages of Grief” by Dr. Kübler-Ross. When looking over the stages of grief, I came up with the idea of it being more like “The Mosh Pitt of Grief.” I imagine all of these parts of the grieving process jumping around and bumping into each other. Grief doesn’t feel so clear cut as separate parts, or at least it hasn’t for me. Disclaimer: I have never been in a mosh pit, nor do I have any interest in doing so. However, I do think it looks like fun if I didn’t risk injuries. I watched multiple mosh pit videos prior to writing to try and make the allegory realistic.

The “Stages of Grief” (Kessler, 2013):

*The following summary is my take on this source material: https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

• Denial: This is when something does not feel real in the moment. It is a survival tactic our mind uses to distance us from the event itself. It can also be when you question if the event even happened or if the person is really gone.
• Anger: You might be angry at a higher power. Sometimes this looks like anger turned toward others. You might also be angry at the person or thing you are grieving.
• Bargaining: This looks like, “Only if I had…?” and “What if…?” questions. You are trying to figure out if you could have done anything different or figure out what all led to this.
• Depression: You may feel an emptiness or heaviness over you. This can involve feelings of being lost or lonely. This is a type of depression that you will eventually move through, but in the moment, that sounds like a crazy idea. You are sure this depression feeling will last forever.
• Acceptance: To be clear, this is not you saying, “I am okay with this having happened.” This is accepting the new reality and learning to live despite the grief.

The Allegory:

You find yourself standing in the center of a mosh pit [grief]. The two sides split, an empty line appears in the middle [with you stuck in that area], and the crowd runs at you from either side beginning the mosh pit [Wall of Death]. Whether it happened all at once or slower, you are now in a mosh pit. With the mass of people [emotions], you cannot see a way out. You are now part of this experience at the Concert of Life.

Types of Mosh Pitt Experiences:

• Push Pit
  • “You just run around and push people around in the pit. You will see these pits for metalcore and nu metal bands.” (WKNC Admin, 2018)
  • Depression, Denial, Anger, and Bargaining are shoving each other over and over in your mind. You are pushed back and forth. It does not give you time to rest.
• Circle Pit
  • “You run around in a big circle and push people who are in your way while people on the outside push you back into the pit. There are also some people who stand in the middle of the circle pit and just headbang. You will see these pits for metalcore and nu metal bands.” (WKNC Admin, 2018)
  • The feelings of grief and words in your head go around and around in circles. The thoughts push each other fighting for the front spot in your mind. You hear thoughts like, “If only I had ____” and “My life is empty without ____.”
• Wall of Death
  • “Basically, the singer for the band that is playing will tell the crowd to divide in half. Once the crowd splits in half, you face the other half of the crowd. When the singer tells you go, or when the breakdown hits, you run towards one another and start pushing…You will see these pits at metalcore, nu metal, death metal, and deathcore shows.” (WKNC Admin, 2018)
  • When the grief all started, it may have hit like the intense part of a metal song. All the parts of grief hitting you at the same time on both sides, smushing you in the middle and leaving you with lots of bruises. Even when it feels like the major crash of grief is over, the concert artist might choose another song [something reminds you of the grief] and you are back in the Wall of Death all over again.

Acceptance is the timid observer. It may try to hop in for a moment but then returns to quietly wait as we continue to be jostled around. It will wait there for us until we are ready to find the edge of the pit and step out. Acceptance knows we need to feel all of grief to heal.

It needs to be normalized that grief is not a step by step process that is all clean cut and tied in a bow. Grief is messy and rough. It takes a lot of getting elbowed and kicked before you grab the hand of acceptance. Even then, you can still feel the mosh pit of grief at times. That is okay. Your goal is creating distance so you can rest before you get pulled back into the mosh pit. After all, if you continue in the mosh pit and give out all your energy, your mental health can suffer and you will probably feel without energy. I am hoping someone sees this and it clicks for them. You can take a deep breath knowing that your grief doesn’t have to look a certain way. Sending this with love.

Sources:

Kessler, D. (2013). Five Stages of Grief by Elisabeth Kubler Ross & David Kessler. Grief.com. https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

WKNC Admin. (2018, August 21). Shut Up & Mosh: Moshing 101 – WKNC 88.1 FM – North Carolina State University Student Radio. WKNC 88.1 FM – North Carolina State University Student Radio. https://wknc.org/2018/08/20/shut-up-mosh-moshing-101/